(To the tune of that classic of American music - Superstition by Stevie Wonder)
Got some Praise Band Worship
Lyrics on the wall
New song for this worship... See More
Couldn’t sing it at all
Fifty year old Pastor
Thinks he’s rocking out
Doing it for Jesus
Holy, without doubt
[Chorus]
When you tinker with things
That you don’t understand
Then we suffer
Praise Band Worship ain’t the way
Got some Praise Band Worship
Raise them holy hands
Swaying to the music
Grooving with the band
Keep me in a daydream
Keep me going strong
You just wanna save me
But you got it wrong
[Repeat Chorus]
Talk about what we do
To praise the Lord God
Is nothing but the Law
Beats us with that rod
So your Praise Band Worship
Didn’t give me Christ
Lousy Praise Band Worship
Comes at such a price
[Repeat Chorus]
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Trinity 7
(The Gospel for Sunday is Mark 8:1-9 This isn't quite how it goes)
So, when jesus had preached a brief and entertaining sermon, he noted that people were still waiting around. So he said to his disciples, "I am certain that we can start to bilk these people now, for they've been willing to listen for a while. Let's lighten their pockets a bit before they go home." So then he stood and said to the crowd, "Oh yes, we need to have another collection for. . . um. . . mission work. . . so let's see what you have." And suddenly the people pulled out food and durable goods and gave it to Jesus, and then they went away. And Jesus said, "Ah, now disciples, we can live a life of luxury, and in our luxourious, cushy life, then we can maybe hold another one of these seminars and collect more."
But one of his disciples asked, "Um, aren't we at least going to do some mission work." And jesus thought, and then he said, "Okay, we'll go, we'll take some, just some, mind you, some of what we've gotten, we'll swoop on into some poor village, look like fantastic heroes, have people fawn over us, give them a little bit, and then come back to our own well stocked homes - and we'll feel really good about ourselves. Sound good?" And then there was much rejoicing, for the the disciples had much money and people thought they were doing such good work - and if many starved and died, oh what of that, oh what of that?
So, when jesus had preached a brief and entertaining sermon, he noted that people were still waiting around. So he said to his disciples, "I am certain that we can start to bilk these people now, for they've been willing to listen for a while. Let's lighten their pockets a bit before they go home." So then he stood and said to the crowd, "Oh yes, we need to have another collection for. . . um. . . mission work. . . so let's see what you have." And suddenly the people pulled out food and durable goods and gave it to Jesus, and then they went away. And Jesus said, "Ah, now disciples, we can live a life of luxury, and in our luxourious, cushy life, then we can maybe hold another one of these seminars and collect more."
But one of his disciples asked, "Um, aren't we at least going to do some mission work." And jesus thought, and then he said, "Okay, we'll go, we'll take some, just some, mind you, some of what we've gotten, we'll swoop on into some poor village, look like fantastic heroes, have people fawn over us, give them a little bit, and then come back to our own well stocked homes - and we'll feel really good about ourselves. Sound good?" And then there was much rejoicing, for the the disciples had much money and people thought they were doing such good work - and if many starved and died, oh what of that, oh what of that?
Monday, July 5, 2010
Trinity 6 - Not Quite
(The Gospel for this upcoming Sunday in Matthew 5:17-26 - this isn't quite how it goes.)
"So, we all know how hard it is to be perfect - so let's forget about that. I'm abolishing that idea - let's just try to be nice, to be okay. You know what, if you are an okay sort of person, I mean, as long as you aren't like Hitler or anything, well, then we'll let you into heaven. Just try hard to be good - well, no, just try not to be an utter tool, and that will be good enough for god. It's all good.
Oh, are there still any rules? Um - sure - um, you know, that old rule about not murdering, that's still pretty good. I know it can be hard, sometimes you get angry with people, but just keep a lid on it, don't fixiate on it, and just learn to chillax. Unless the other person is a tool - oh, then by all means, tell us all about it so we can avoid that person and not have to deal with him - I mean, oh, who wants to hang out around a buzz kill? So yeah, just be excellent to each other - unless someone isn't excellent to you. That will work - go have fun now - party on dudes."
"So, we all know how hard it is to be perfect - so let's forget about that. I'm abolishing that idea - let's just try to be nice, to be okay. You know what, if you are an okay sort of person, I mean, as long as you aren't like Hitler or anything, well, then we'll let you into heaven. Just try hard to be good - well, no, just try not to be an utter tool, and that will be good enough for god. It's all good.
Oh, are there still any rules? Um - sure - um, you know, that old rule about not murdering, that's still pretty good. I know it can be hard, sometimes you get angry with people, but just keep a lid on it, don't fixiate on it, and just learn to chillax. Unless the other person is a tool - oh, then by all means, tell us all about it so we can avoid that person and not have to deal with him - I mean, oh, who wants to hang out around a buzz kill? So yeah, just be excellent to each other - unless someone isn't excellent to you. That will work - go have fun now - party on dudes."
Monday, June 28, 2010
Trinity 5 - Not how it goes
(The Gospel for the upcoming Sunday is Luke 5:1-11. What follows is not quite how it goes.)
One morning, when jesus was preaching, He became sad because he noticed that no one cared. So instead of preaching, he decided to head on out to the lake. There was a fisherman there named Simon, and Simon said to jesus, "jesus, I have a most successful business, let Me share with you My 5 secret strategies for growth. It will only cost you $500 per session."
jesus then said, "Um, i don't have that much cash, what can I get for a buck seventy five.'
Simon then said, "Okay, the first one is free. You've got to strike when the iron is hot. See Me, I'm not fishing now cause the fish aren't out. I'll wait until later. you need to do the same thing - don't have a church, have a trendy club looking place - people like going there. They'll show up if you get a DJ spinning an awesome beat."
jesus then was happy and said to Simon, "Well, i'm not afraid of losing my job now. Thanks to Your awesome strategy Simon, i'll be catching men!"
Simon smiled and said, "It's not that easy, but if you ever need to hire a Consultant, call Simon Peter, and I'll help you out."
One morning, when jesus was preaching, He became sad because he noticed that no one cared. So instead of preaching, he decided to head on out to the lake. There was a fisherman there named Simon, and Simon said to jesus, "jesus, I have a most successful business, let Me share with you My 5 secret strategies for growth. It will only cost you $500 per session."
jesus then said, "Um, i don't have that much cash, what can I get for a buck seventy five.'
Simon then said, "Okay, the first one is free. You've got to strike when the iron is hot. See Me, I'm not fishing now cause the fish aren't out. I'll wait until later. you need to do the same thing - don't have a church, have a trendy club looking place - people like going there. They'll show up if you get a DJ spinning an awesome beat."
jesus then was happy and said to Simon, "Well, i'm not afraid of losing my job now. Thanks to Your awesome strategy Simon, i'll be catching men!"
Simon smiled and said, "It's not that easy, but if you ever need to hire a Consultant, call Simon Peter, and I'll help you out."
Monday, June 21, 2010
The Gospel for Trinity 4
(The Gospel for the 4th Sunday after Trinity is Luke 6:36-42. This isn't how it goes)
Remember that God in heaven is really super mean, so you have to be nice to make up for this.
Never say that anything that anyone does is wrong - that would be "judgmental". If you don't say that anyone has done anything wrong, then you can play dumb if God is mean to you. And if you can find it in your heart to forgive someone, that will earn your own forgiveness. You see, if you just work the system with your savvy, you can make God stop being a meanie and be nice to you.
Here's a parable. The smarter blind man has to let the other blind man lead - that way you'll have something soft to fall on when he leads you into a pit. And a good teacher will make sure that a student feels as though he has grown, but keep him down enough so that the student has to keep paying the teacher. You must be smart - if there is something in your eye, there has to be something much worse in your neighbor's eye, so go dive in and get it out of their eye - just dig around until you find it. Again, this will show how good you are.
So, to sum - never say anyone is wrong, just use them and try to fix them without speaking to them first or thinking about fixing yourself - cause you're an awesome person.
Remember that God in heaven is really super mean, so you have to be nice to make up for this.
Never say that anything that anyone does is wrong - that would be "judgmental". If you don't say that anyone has done anything wrong, then you can play dumb if God is mean to you. And if you can find it in your heart to forgive someone, that will earn your own forgiveness. You see, if you just work the system with your savvy, you can make God stop being a meanie and be nice to you.
Here's a parable. The smarter blind man has to let the other blind man lead - that way you'll have something soft to fall on when he leads you into a pit. And a good teacher will make sure that a student feels as though he has grown, but keep him down enough so that the student has to keep paying the teacher. You must be smart - if there is something in your eye, there has to be something much worse in your neighbor's eye, so go dive in and get it out of their eye - just dig around until you find it. Again, this will show how good you are.
So, to sum - never say anyone is wrong, just use them and try to fix them without speaking to them first or thinking about fixing yourself - cause you're an awesome person.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Hymnal Suppliment Number 1002
(Any anyone in the in knows, you don't have a real, hip, awesome "ministry" unless it's a team ministry - so my wife, whom I'm sure will soon be on a billboard with me, gives us this wonderful ditty)
Hymn 1002 - Save Me Jesus
(Yes, this Britney Spears - Baby=>Jesus, "hit" => "save". . . and. . . well, it might be more theological correct than what your gray haired guitarist is rocking out to. . . not that it means that this is good)
Hymn 1002 - Save Me Jesus
Oh Jesus Jesus
Oh Jesus Jesus
Oh Jesus Jesus
Oh Jesus Jesus
How was I supposed to know
That somethin' wasn't right here
Oh Jesus Jesus
I shouldn't have let you go
And now you're right out of site yeah
Show me
How you want it to be
Tell me Jesus
'Cause I need to know now
Oh because
My loneliness
Is killing me (and I)
I must confess
I still believe (still believe)
When I'm not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign
Save me Jesus one more time.
Oh Jesus Jesus
A reason I breathe is you
Boy you've got me blinded
Oh Jesus Jesus
There's nothin' that I wouldn't do
That's not the way I planned it
Show me
How you want it to be
Tell me Jesus
'Cause I need to know now
Oh because
My loneliness
Is killing me (and I)
I must confess
I still believe (still believe)
When I'm not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign
Save me Jesus one more time.
Oh Jesus Jesus
(A ooooooooo)
Oh Jesus Jesus
(A yeah yeah)
Oh Jesus Jesus
How was I supposed to know
Oh Jesus Jesus
I shouldn't have let you go
I must confess
That my loneliness
Is killing me now-
Don't you know I still believe
That you will be here
And give me a sign
Save me Jesus one more time.
My loneliness
Is killing me (and I)
I must confess
I still believe (still believe)
When I'm not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign
Save me Jesus one more time.
I must confess
(My loneliness)
That my loneliness
(Is killing me)
Is killing me now
(I must confess)
Don't you know I still believe
(I still believe)
That you will be here
When I'm not with you I lose my mind
And give me a sign
Save me Jesus one more time.
(Yes, this Britney Spears - Baby=>Jesus, "hit" => "save". . . and. . . well, it might be more theological correct than what your gray haired guitarist is rocking out to. . . not that it means that this is good)
Hymnal Suppliment Number 1001
(What you may not know is that there is some dissagreement whether hymns like the following should be allowed in the Church. That's why it is in the Supplement)
Hymn 1001
I remember all my life
Raining down as cold as ice
A shadow of a man
A face through a window
Crying in the night
The night goes into
Morning, just another day
Happy people pass my way
Looking in their eyes
I see a memory
I never realized
you made me so happy, oh Jesus
Well you came and you gave without taking
but I sent you away, oh Jesus
well you held me and stopped me from shaking
I need you today, oh Jesus
I'm standing on the edge of time
I Walked away when love was mine
Caught up in a world of uphill climbing
The tears are in my mind
And nothing is rhyming, oh Jesus
Well you came and you gave without taking
but I sent you away, oh Jesus
well you held me and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today, oh Jesus
Yesterday's a dream I face the morning
Crying on the breeze
the pain is calling, oh Jesus
Well you came and you gave without taking
but I sent you away, oh Jesus
well you held me and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today, oh Jesus
(Yes, this is just Barry Manilow's "Mandy" where Mandy=>Jesus and "kissed"=>"held". And sadly, it's probably got more theological depth than what your praise band put together for tomorrow)
Hymn 1001
I remember all my life
Raining down as cold as ice
A shadow of a man
A face through a window
Crying in the night
The night goes into
Morning, just another day
Happy people pass my way
Looking in their eyes
I see a memory
I never realized
you made me so happy, oh Jesus
Well you came and you gave without taking
but I sent you away, oh Jesus
well you held me and stopped me from shaking
I need you today, oh Jesus
I'm standing on the edge of time
I Walked away when love was mine
Caught up in a world of uphill climbing
The tears are in my mind
And nothing is rhyming, oh Jesus
Well you came and you gave without taking
but I sent you away, oh Jesus
well you held me and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today, oh Jesus
Yesterday's a dream I face the morning
Crying on the breeze
the pain is calling, oh Jesus
Well you came and you gave without taking
but I sent you away, oh Jesus
well you held me and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today, oh Jesus
(Yes, this is just Barry Manilow's "Mandy" where Mandy=>Jesus and "kissed"=>"held". And sadly, it's probably got more theological depth than what your praise band put together for tomorrow)
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