The Gospel for the 5th Sunday of Easter is John 16:5-15. This is not quite how it goes.
+ + + + +
And Jesus said, "Listen, I am tired of all this whining about how I am going away. You know why I am going away - because you people are so whiney and needy. I'm sick of you. You know what? You blew it. I was going to hang out here and have a 1000 year reign from Jerusalem, but now we will go to plan B. I'll send you the Spirit... and that will be okay, but I'm going to vacation far far away and won't be with you anymore.
"But what will this Spirit do? The Spirit will tell you a bunch of things that hadn't been written down, and will let you make up new things so that you can adapt to the environment and culture. Because man, since I'm not here to run things, the world will be crazy. So the Spirit will let you tell people that the old fashioned things about sin don't apply anymore, and the Spirit will tell you how you guys are all so awesome and tolerant, and the Spirit will tell you how to judge the old fashioned people who don't want to grow.
"I really don't have anything more to say to you, because, well, I just don't care. I mean, I'm outta here - you guys are on your own. But here's what you can do - just come up with your own crazy ideas, or recycle business ideas - and then you can say that they are 'Spirit-filled' and expect people to do whatever you say. Because you get whatever you scrap and claw for - that's how you are going to be great in that Me-less kingdom to come."
+ + + + +
Wait, that's not quite how it goes.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Paul's Letter to the Colossians
Dear friends,
Let me begin by saying what a wonderful time I am having on vacation in Rome. The sights to see here are utterly amazing. The carving work is fantastic, the streets are wonderful busy and filled with vendors selling all sorts of wares and the delicacies. How I wish you had these back in Ephesus!
Moreover, the stone work here is just utterly astounding. Large impressive buildings, statues of Emperors of days gone by to inspire one to virtue and manilness. It is an utter jewel of a place. I am quite happy - I have a little place just outside of the walls - I feel like I could spend the rest of my life here. I am having such a great time.
Oh, yes, my letter. I know the old adage is that while the cat is away the mice will play. I want you to remember that while I am gone, God is watching you, checking you twice, even. Therefore be on your best behavior, lest you anger God who is so far away from you. You have been lucky enough to not attract his attention. Keep your nose clean and you can stay under the radar. And remember, if you show up to the afterlife and you've done nothing to tick Him off, you are in like Flynn.
Alright - chill out homies, and enjoy your best life now!
Paulie.
Let me begin by saying what a wonderful time I am having on vacation in Rome. The sights to see here are utterly amazing. The carving work is fantastic, the streets are wonderful busy and filled with vendors selling all sorts of wares and the delicacies. How I wish you had these back in Ephesus!
Moreover, the stone work here is just utterly astounding. Large impressive buildings, statues of Emperors of days gone by to inspire one to virtue and manilness. It is an utter jewel of a place. I am quite happy - I have a little place just outside of the walls - I feel like I could spend the rest of my life here. I am having such a great time.
Oh, yes, my letter. I know the old adage is that while the cat is away the mice will play. I want you to remember that while I am gone, God is watching you, checking you twice, even. Therefore be on your best behavior, lest you anger God who is so far away from you. You have been lucky enough to not attract his attention. Keep your nose clean and you can stay under the radar. And remember, if you show up to the afterlife and you've done nothing to tick Him off, you are in like Flynn.
Alright - chill out homies, and enjoy your best life now!
Paulie.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
2nd Sunday after Trinity - Revisited Again
The Gospel for Sunday is Luke 14:15-24. This isn't quite how it goes.
+ + + + +
When one of those who reclined at table with Him heard these things, he said to Him, "Blessed is everyone who will eat bread in the kingdom of God!" But He answered him and said, "You lazy jerk, you can't even sit up to eat. Blessed is the one who receives? Bah! Let me tell you how it really is.
"A man once made plans for a great feast, and when it was time for the feast, he sent out his servant to call the invited guests to come. When the servant came to the first, the first said, 'Excellent, I'll come right away.' But then the servant noted that there was a receipt for a new field, and so the servant said to the the man, 'What is this? This field has yet to be worked. How can you think of rejoicing and feasting when there is still so much more for you to do.' And then with many long exhortations lasting well over 30 minutes, the servant exhorted the man to do the specific works God was clearly wanting him to do, including telling what sort of crops to plant.
"The servant then came to the next man, who too said, 'Excellent, I'll come right away.' But when the servant noted that there were newly purchased oxen, he said to the man, 'I see you have new oxen - you had better forgo the feast and put those oxen to work -- because after all, what's the point of having oxen unless you work and work and work them.' Then he exhorted the man for over 30 minutes on the importance of proper industry in the Christian's life.
"The servant then came to a man, who too said, 'Excellent, I'll come right away.' But then the servant noted that this man was newly married. The servant then said, 'Does this woman know all the things she is supposed to do? You have no time for a feast, you must teach and train her!' So the servant exhorted the man for well over an hour on all the things he must train his wife to do - and gave him copies of Proverbs 31 and the OEconomics by Aristophanes.
"The servant then returned to the master and told him why the people could not simply be focused on the feast, but rather had to attend to their works. And the master rejoiced, because work is much better than his feast. But then the master noted that there was scum and rift-raft and sinners in the banquet hall. So he said to his servant, 'What are all these jerks doing here?'
"The servant then replied, 'I will feed them a bit of the feast, and then, when they have eaten, I will exhort them to do good works. They will feel guilty and obligated to your generosity. I figure this might fix our cheap labor needs.'
"Then the master was well pleased, for he hated the thought of anyone getting a free lunch, and he delights not in giving good things to people, but putting them to work so they reach their full potential. Likewise, I say unto you, blessed are those who work, for they will then be confident that they have earned their bread in the kingdom of God."
+ + + + + +
Oh, wait, that's not quite how it goes.
+ + + + +
When one of those who reclined at table with Him heard these things, he said to Him, "Blessed is everyone who will eat bread in the kingdom of God!" But He answered him and said, "You lazy jerk, you can't even sit up to eat. Blessed is the one who receives? Bah! Let me tell you how it really is.
"A man once made plans for a great feast, and when it was time for the feast, he sent out his servant to call the invited guests to come. When the servant came to the first, the first said, 'Excellent, I'll come right away.' But then the servant noted that there was a receipt for a new field, and so the servant said to the the man, 'What is this? This field has yet to be worked. How can you think of rejoicing and feasting when there is still so much more for you to do.' And then with many long exhortations lasting well over 30 minutes, the servant exhorted the man to do the specific works God was clearly wanting him to do, including telling what sort of crops to plant.
"The servant then came to the next man, who too said, 'Excellent, I'll come right away.' But when the servant noted that there were newly purchased oxen, he said to the man, 'I see you have new oxen - you had better forgo the feast and put those oxen to work -- because after all, what's the point of having oxen unless you work and work and work them.' Then he exhorted the man for over 30 minutes on the importance of proper industry in the Christian's life.
"The servant then came to a man, who too said, 'Excellent, I'll come right away.' But then the servant noted that this man was newly married. The servant then said, 'Does this woman know all the things she is supposed to do? You have no time for a feast, you must teach and train her!' So the servant exhorted the man for well over an hour on all the things he must train his wife to do - and gave him copies of Proverbs 31 and the OEconomics by Aristophanes.
"The servant then returned to the master and told him why the people could not simply be focused on the feast, but rather had to attend to their works. And the master rejoiced, because work is much better than his feast. But then the master noted that there was scum and rift-raft and sinners in the banquet hall. So he said to his servant, 'What are all these jerks doing here?'
"The servant then replied, 'I will feed them a bit of the feast, and then, when they have eaten, I will exhort them to do good works. They will feel guilty and obligated to your generosity. I figure this might fix our cheap labor needs.'
"Then the master was well pleased, for he hated the thought of anyone getting a free lunch, and he delights not in giving good things to people, but putting them to work so they reach their full potential. Likewise, I say unto you, blessed are those who work, for they will then be confident that they have earned their bread in the kingdom of God."
+ + + + + +
Oh, wait, that's not quite how it goes.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Hymn 1003
(To the tune of that classic of American music - Superstition by Stevie Wonder)
Got some Praise Band Worship
Lyrics on the wall
New song for this worship... See More
Couldn’t sing it at all
Fifty year old Pastor
Thinks he’s rocking out
Doing it for Jesus
Holy, without doubt
[Chorus]
When you tinker with things
That you don’t understand
Then we suffer
Praise Band Worship ain’t the way
Got some Praise Band Worship
Raise them holy hands
Swaying to the music
Grooving with the band
Keep me in a daydream
Keep me going strong
You just wanna save me
But you got it wrong
[Repeat Chorus]
Talk about what we do
To praise the Lord God
Is nothing but the Law
Beats us with that rod
So your Praise Band Worship
Didn’t give me Christ
Lousy Praise Band Worship
Comes at such a price
[Repeat Chorus]
Got some Praise Band Worship
Lyrics on the wall
New song for this worship... See More
Couldn’t sing it at all
Fifty year old Pastor
Thinks he’s rocking out
Doing it for Jesus
Holy, without doubt
[Chorus]
When you tinker with things
That you don’t understand
Then we suffer
Praise Band Worship ain’t the way
Got some Praise Band Worship
Raise them holy hands
Swaying to the music
Grooving with the band
Keep me in a daydream
Keep me going strong
You just wanna save me
But you got it wrong
[Repeat Chorus]
Talk about what we do
To praise the Lord God
Is nothing but the Law
Beats us with that rod
So your Praise Band Worship
Didn’t give me Christ
Lousy Praise Band Worship
Comes at such a price
[Repeat Chorus]
Trinity 7
(The Gospel for Sunday is Mark 8:1-9 This isn't quite how it goes)
So, when jesus had preached a brief and entertaining sermon, he noted that people were still waiting around. So he said to his disciples, "I am certain that we can start to bilk these people now, for they've been willing to listen for a while. Let's lighten their pockets a bit before they go home." So then he stood and said to the crowd, "Oh yes, we need to have another collection for. . . um. . . mission work. . . so let's see what you have." And suddenly the people pulled out food and durable goods and gave it to Jesus, and then they went away. And Jesus said, "Ah, now disciples, we can live a life of luxury, and in our luxourious, cushy life, then we can maybe hold another one of these seminars and collect more."
But one of his disciples asked, "Um, aren't we at least going to do some mission work." And jesus thought, and then he said, "Okay, we'll go, we'll take some, just some, mind you, some of what we've gotten, we'll swoop on into some poor village, look like fantastic heroes, have people fawn over us, give them a little bit, and then come back to our own well stocked homes - and we'll feel really good about ourselves. Sound good?" And then there was much rejoicing, for the the disciples had much money and people thought they were doing such good work - and if many starved and died, oh what of that, oh what of that?
So, when jesus had preached a brief and entertaining sermon, he noted that people were still waiting around. So he said to his disciples, "I am certain that we can start to bilk these people now, for they've been willing to listen for a while. Let's lighten their pockets a bit before they go home." So then he stood and said to the crowd, "Oh yes, we need to have another collection for. . . um. . . mission work. . . so let's see what you have." And suddenly the people pulled out food and durable goods and gave it to Jesus, and then they went away. And Jesus said, "Ah, now disciples, we can live a life of luxury, and in our luxourious, cushy life, then we can maybe hold another one of these seminars and collect more."
But one of his disciples asked, "Um, aren't we at least going to do some mission work." And jesus thought, and then he said, "Okay, we'll go, we'll take some, just some, mind you, some of what we've gotten, we'll swoop on into some poor village, look like fantastic heroes, have people fawn over us, give them a little bit, and then come back to our own well stocked homes - and we'll feel really good about ourselves. Sound good?" And then there was much rejoicing, for the the disciples had much money and people thought they were doing such good work - and if many starved and died, oh what of that, oh what of that?
Monday, July 5, 2010
Trinity 6 - Not Quite
(The Gospel for this upcoming Sunday in Matthew 5:17-26 - this isn't quite how it goes.)
"So, we all know how hard it is to be perfect - so let's forget about that. I'm abolishing that idea - let's just try to be nice, to be okay. You know what, if you are an okay sort of person, I mean, as long as you aren't like Hitler or anything, well, then we'll let you into heaven. Just try hard to be good - well, no, just try not to be an utter tool, and that will be good enough for god. It's all good.
Oh, are there still any rules? Um - sure - um, you know, that old rule about not murdering, that's still pretty good. I know it can be hard, sometimes you get angry with people, but just keep a lid on it, don't fixiate on it, and just learn to chillax. Unless the other person is a tool - oh, then by all means, tell us all about it so we can avoid that person and not have to deal with him - I mean, oh, who wants to hang out around a buzz kill? So yeah, just be excellent to each other - unless someone isn't excellent to you. That will work - go have fun now - party on dudes."
"So, we all know how hard it is to be perfect - so let's forget about that. I'm abolishing that idea - let's just try to be nice, to be okay. You know what, if you are an okay sort of person, I mean, as long as you aren't like Hitler or anything, well, then we'll let you into heaven. Just try hard to be good - well, no, just try not to be an utter tool, and that will be good enough for god. It's all good.
Oh, are there still any rules? Um - sure - um, you know, that old rule about not murdering, that's still pretty good. I know it can be hard, sometimes you get angry with people, but just keep a lid on it, don't fixiate on it, and just learn to chillax. Unless the other person is a tool - oh, then by all means, tell us all about it so we can avoid that person and not have to deal with him - I mean, oh, who wants to hang out around a buzz kill? So yeah, just be excellent to each other - unless someone isn't excellent to you. That will work - go have fun now - party on dudes."
Monday, June 28, 2010
Trinity 5 - Not how it goes
(The Gospel for the upcoming Sunday is Luke 5:1-11. What follows is not quite how it goes.)
One morning, when jesus was preaching, He became sad because he noticed that no one cared. So instead of preaching, he decided to head on out to the lake. There was a fisherman there named Simon, and Simon said to jesus, "jesus, I have a most successful business, let Me share with you My 5 secret strategies for growth. It will only cost you $500 per session."
jesus then said, "Um, i don't have that much cash, what can I get for a buck seventy five.'
Simon then said, "Okay, the first one is free. You've got to strike when the iron is hot. See Me, I'm not fishing now cause the fish aren't out. I'll wait until later. you need to do the same thing - don't have a church, have a trendy club looking place - people like going there. They'll show up if you get a DJ spinning an awesome beat."
jesus then was happy and said to Simon, "Well, i'm not afraid of losing my job now. Thanks to Your awesome strategy Simon, i'll be catching men!"
Simon smiled and said, "It's not that easy, but if you ever need to hire a Consultant, call Simon Peter, and I'll help you out."
One morning, when jesus was preaching, He became sad because he noticed that no one cared. So instead of preaching, he decided to head on out to the lake. There was a fisherman there named Simon, and Simon said to jesus, "jesus, I have a most successful business, let Me share with you My 5 secret strategies for growth. It will only cost you $500 per session."
jesus then said, "Um, i don't have that much cash, what can I get for a buck seventy five.'
Simon then said, "Okay, the first one is free. You've got to strike when the iron is hot. See Me, I'm not fishing now cause the fish aren't out. I'll wait until later. you need to do the same thing - don't have a church, have a trendy club looking place - people like going there. They'll show up if you get a DJ spinning an awesome beat."
jesus then was happy and said to Simon, "Well, i'm not afraid of losing my job now. Thanks to Your awesome strategy Simon, i'll be catching men!"
Simon smiled and said, "It's not that easy, but if you ever need to hire a Consultant, call Simon Peter, and I'll help you out."
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